I just can't seem to HATE myself anymore! Saturday, August 2, 2008

I had a bit of a backslide today, right into a bucket of coffee and crappy food...it was a day full of family, and I think that I can attribute the stress eating to that, since I do really really well when I'm not around them...LOL!!

So, I had made arrangements with my dad's sister to meet for lunch today so she could return the family bibles to me (passed onto me after my father's death). She brought my wee little scottish gramma with her so we could catch up. We met at a diner in my hometown, and I had one of those old school greasy diner breakfasts-ya know, coffee, home fries, greek omelette (one of the only vegetarian options of course!) with rye toast, slathered in what was likely margarine. I knew that lunch was likely going to be crappy, so for breakfast I had fresh carrot-apple juice mixed with a greens concentrate. But, being up at dawn as it were today, I was getting pretty hungry by 10 am.

By that point, I had stopped to visit my sister, who lives in my dad's old house. She offered me tea, and the tannins made my stomach hurt so I had to eat something to make it stop...and the only vegetarian option is cold fucking pizza...so that made my lunch ten times worse!

I went to the grocery store after lunch, to get some fresh veggies and kidney beans for a chili I plan to make tomorrow night, and ran into my mother there. She told me to come to her house and she would give me some freezer veggies for my dogs (I'm making their food for them for a couple days-allergy testing).

My grandfather (her father) had visited her that morning, and there was a box of Tim Horton's donuts there...and before I know it I had a blueberry fritter...and then a double chocolate donut!

She gave me a half a loaf of bread from her freezer, and I left it out to thaw for the dogs...and ended up having two slices with peanut butter, and then two more slices with my organic potato leek soup...

That was one helluva binge day! Reminiscent of the good ole days, LOL...the major difference is that right now, I'm ok...normally I would be really, really upset and hate myself for a bit. Spend the rest of the day thinking about how I would make up for it this week through exercise or restricted eating...but I'm not. I still love me, I'm not sitting here drafting a strict regime for the next 6 weeks, I'm actually pretty content and have forgiven myself already.

That, my friends, is a major breakthrough for me!! If I can understand the triggers, identify the warning signs, I can nip these old habits in the bud.

I'm on the second day of my period today. I'm going to let that be a good reason to let this slide. That, and the fact that I love myself too much now to abuse myself over something that is in the past now. All I have is this moment...and this one, and this one, and this one....

Namaste my lovelies!! Hope y'all had a good saturday;)